May We Know, Love, And Forgive: MOTHERHOOD

I’ve reached a point, now a Mama of three, where I know myself. But it wasn’t always like this…
and I’m confident I’ll go out searching for myself again in a few years as our girls grow and enter new phases of their life.
We seem to ebb and flow with them.


MAIDEN TO MATRIARCH

Motherhood has taught me that true love is to know someone, all of them.
But in matrescence, we don’t know always know this person we are becoming, especially in the beginning.
We don’t recognize ourselves, and who we were feels far away.
Mama is a new title we cherish, but we’re haphazardly weaving these versions of ourselves together, even desperately, because it feels like we’re losing threads as we navigate what to hold on to, what to let go of, and what to bring in.

Matrescence is “a private and silent birth of the soul. It pushes out selfishness and fear, and makes room for sacrifice and love.”
This transition is a labor. As we bring a babe into the world, we also birth a Mama. And no labor is the same…some are quick and lovely, some are challenging and unpredictable, some bring us beyond the edge of what we ever thought we were capable of.
But like labor, matrescence unites us.
It doesn’t matter how we went through it, we all understand each other on the other side.

And this idea of sides has me so intrigued.
Our children will not fully understand us until they reach this side and become parents themselves. To me, my mother was superhuman and invincible. As a child, I vividly remember my expectation that her sole purpose and priority in life was me.
I wondered a bit about who she was as a child and a teenager, how she met dad, but my considerations weren’t deep when it came to understanding who she was before, what she gave up, what she still wanted to pursue, or even her feelings outside of my own.
She was Mom.

And maybe, the fact that I didn’t fully see her until I was a Mama myself, means she protected me,
beautifully and wonderfully, as a child.

LIFTING THE CURTAIN

Do you ever try explaining to your whining child how exhausted you are, how you’re working really hard to make something great for them, and how every “no” you say to them is out of love…and then they brush you off like yeah yeah give me my snack?

And then we do. We make the snack.

Being a Mother is playing a role.
But I wonder, if we stray from the script, only for a moment, can we allow our child an understanding that
deepens their connection and empathy?
Can we humanize ourselves and still preserve the naivety of childhood?

This led me to reflect on how and when I show my daughters pieces of who I am. And pieces seems important because this is definitely a balancing act. But I realized I hand a piece of this puzzle out almost every day. And they’re collecting these momentary connections between us.

If we can be more intentional about this sharing, then maybe we can leave our children with a full picture when we are gone. They won’t be missing pieces, they’ll know who we are, and so, who they are.



INTENTIONAL WAYS I SHOW MY HUMANITY

– Share Passions Beyond Motherhood

My girls know I’m in a book club, that I love to exercise and learn about wellness, and that I am working on a project I’m very passionate about.
Let them see us shine in pursuing what brings us joy!


– Apologize

Our children are watching us.


– Share Personal Stories

I need to do this more. But sharing a personal story with your children gives a similar reaction to a student seeing their teacher in a grocery store; they get wide-eyed and intrigued that you actually exist outside of their perception.


– Communicate What You Are Working to Improve

I can see my girls light up when I tell them about a flaw of my own that I’m working on bettering. It’s like they feel seen.
It’s important for them to know that we feel negative feelings too, and that we manage them.


– Relate to Their Feelings

Connect to their stress, anxiety, fear, etc. by explaining that you feel it sometimes too. And create coping strategies together.
My girls were so surprised to hear that we still get nervous, even as adults.
And I think it’s powerful to show them that bravery isn’t an absence of fear, it’s overcoming it.


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There is no such thing as a perfect Mama. It doesn’t exist.
But we are exactly who our little ones chose, and they are exactly what we need. In those hard moments, where we lose our temper and sight of the Mama we want to be, we have a choice. We can assume our role and pretend to be superhuman. Or we can say sorry, create a bridge of understanding, and keep showing up.

“Healing begins where understanding grows.”
This is true in our relationship with our littles, as well as our relationship with our Mamas.

Our motherhood started before us, and it will outlive us.
It’s in the legacy of our traditions, it echoes in our imperfections, and it lingers in our love.

Sometimes it’s messy. Sometimes it’s perfect. In-between, we can make it authentic.
And maybe, when our children grow up and see us for who we are, they will still like us.

P.S. I came across this Buzzfeed article and had to include it here: “‘I Wish I Could Have Met Her:’ People Are Revealing The Exact Moment They Realized Their Mom Was ‘Just A Girl,’ And I Literally Can’t Stop Crying”


Do you remember a moment when you realized your Mama was someone more?