19 Years Together and 7 Years Married…What We’ve Learned

I believe in “love” at first sight.
I quote “love” because it isn’t love in all its glory, but I do believe in the unique and unspoken connection of souls and energies upon meeting.

And when I tell you I knew Garrett was the one, I knew. I literally told my friends and myself that I was going to marry him. Was it my neurotic, teenage-melodrama self manifesting my dreams out loud? Hahah-yes, but I still, to this day, understand that I knew he was different, even then.

I don’t know if it was luck that we just grew towards each other and together over time, or if it was the choices we made every day for ourselves and for each other that gave us no notion of time, but I think it was both. What I mean by “no notion of time” is that 19 years flew by…it never felt like we were reaching checkpoints at each year, it just felt like we were carrying each other’s hearts in a way that we intended to do for the rest of our lives.

This will be our 7-year wedding anniversary, but we have been dating since 2003, and that’s 19 years! We met in the 5th grade, and Garrett asked me to be his girlfriend (with a pearl necklace from Hawaii…he was a keeper even then) during a movie at The Block of Orange in the 8th grade. We’ve done so much growing up together and gone through many of life’s transitional phases together, so while we still have a lifetime to go, I’ll share what we’ve learned so far and what I think holds up the 19 years.

Let me preface by saying I am obviously not a professional, and I’m not even offering advice. Our marriage is not perfect, and no marriage is. But if this is a place for us to connect, I want to share and highlight what I believe are our strengths. And I’ll be honest!

1. Communicate to be on the same page. Growing up together gave us an advantage in terms of holding the same values. We were somewhat raised by each other’s parents, and I think that’s helped us align so well in what we want and expect from each other as parents and partners now. If there’s something one of us does not agree with, we evaluate how important it is to each of us, and compromise accordingly.

2. We hold our selves to a higher standard, rather than holding each other to a higher standard. Don’t get me wrong, I expect a lot from him! But I expect as much, then, from myself as a wife. If I expect him to go out his way and do little or big things for me without me asking, I hold myself to that standard in return. And this is reciprocated. Don’t ever stop trying.

3. Love Languages. Oof. I’ll be honest. Even though we know each other’s love languages, neither one of us are great at catering to each other’s. I think we both express our love in ways that feel right to us. I’m not saying this is the answer, but what works for us, is that we understand and appreciate the way that each other expresses their love, even if it isn’t the language we are always looking for. For example, Garrett likes to buy me gifts. Do I love gifts? Of course. But it’s not how I receive love. Regardless, I know it’s his expression of love, and that’s why it’s meaningful to me. We can get too caught up on little, selfish expectations, that we forget the intention and source.

4. Seek adventure together. “Adventure” looks different for each couple, but continue to seek that quality time as you try something new. It’s easy to get in routines, and they’re comfortable. But new experiences, spent together, are a way to bond. It can be as small as trying out a new restaurant together, rather than your usual spot.

5. Imagine life without each other. My mind actually comes across this thought every once in awhile, and when I’m reminded what I would lose without Garrett in my life, it highlights the gratitude I have for us. We can get caught up in taking our spouse for granted, but it’s important to consider and remember what they bring to your life.

6. Don’t talk negatively about your spouse to anyone. This one is tough because I think it’s dependent on situations and people. But at the end of the day, my spouse is my #1. It’s him and I against the world. The minute you start talking badly about your person to someone else, it cracks the foundation. And people remember what you say.

7. Have your own hobbies and interests. If you are engaging in your own pursuits and self-care, you’ll love yourself. When you have that pride in who you are as an individual, you invite that same energy. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Fill up your cup, so you can be your best. Being happy and confident in your own self will also prevent any resentment you might feel when your spouse is filling their own cup.

OUR MARRIAGE AFTER KIDS

This was the most asked question on my Instagram Q and A story!

For us, at least, navigating our relationship and our roles as new parents was a journey of trial and error. It’s a journey that required a lot of grace, and we didn’t always give that grace. But we’re two people who love each other and our kids, so we’ve worked to a point where we own, appreciate, and lean into our new and evolving roles.

Maybe some of you can relate to this, but when it comes to parenting, Garrett is the selfless one. I’m someone who needs my alone time and my self-care time. That’s where I get my energy, and I am a better mom when I have it. It took us some time to find our balance, our Yin and Yang, with this one. Early on, we didn’t understand that need in each other because it was something new, something our kids revealed. I didn’t understand why he didn’t need space or a date night, and he didn’t understand why I needed it. But I feel like we got to a balanced place where we met each other half way. Granted, we’re still navigating parenting and prioritizing each other, but here’s what I would say is working for us…

1. Be patient and give grace in navigating these new roles. For us, it didn’t happen overnight. And I think it changes with the phases, so it’s truly never figured out and complete. The best we can do is give each other and ourselves grace, and LAUGH! Parenting is a wild ride, but you chose your partner for a reason.

2. Practical Intimacy. No marriage is the same after children, so we’re practical with intimacy. We understand that intimacy might not mean a fancy date night every weekend or an uninterrupted, deep conversation whenever we want. We still make time for those things, but we also take our girls out to fancy dinners as a family, and we still say “I love you” daily or do small things at home to take care of each other amidst the chaos. A bouquet of flowers might look more like letting each other sleep in on a Saturday morning.

3. I’ll never forget when my father-in-law said, “He should let you make 90% of the decisions for your family. But be mindful of his 10%.” Garrett tells the girls I am the boss, and they believe it and know it. And I feel valued and appreciated for it. But when Garrett has a decision that’s important to him, we respect it.

4. Eat together as a family. I understand this is not realistic for every family or every night. But bringing our family closer, brings our marriage closer.

5. My spouse and I are the trunk of the tree. Our children are the branches. It’s easy to get caught up in doing and being everything for your kids, to the point that they take priority over everything, even the marriage. But it’s important for our children to see the time we make for each other and to see the conversations we have with one another. Everything sourced from our love, the two of us, and sometimes it means going out of our way, getting a babysitter, and putting in some extra effort to remember what that feels like.

THIS WAS READ AT OUR WEDDING

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.” -Louis de Bernieres

10.03.2015 at YMCA Camp Round Meadow in Angelus Oaks
Photographers were the AMAZING @ginaandryan