Unique Attention Over Equal Attention: Meeting The Hearts And Needs of Siblings

A few of you have asked that I write about dividing our attention amongst our littles, but it felt like an overwhelming topic because every child, every parent, every family is so unique, and I truly believe, for all things Mama, what is true and right for one doesn’t stand true and right for another. And the family dynamic… that is a complex system of hearts, needs, desires and fears.

Mamas are the matriarch of the home, and let’s be real, our name gets called one million and one times a day
as we are pulled in every direction.

I always felt safer and content with dividing my attention intuitively, rather than diving into strategies or asking people for advice who didn’t know my children or family dynamic as deeply as I did. I grew up with two sisters.  I was a teacher who juggled 38 personalities at a time.  I knew my daughters, I knew their personalities, I knew their needs, and I did my best. 
That seemed like enough. 

But what’s enough in one season, needs more in the next.  Being a Mama is a constant evolution.
I am growing along with my children, and that demands versions of me that I have never had to be, so I find myself searching for connections and answers in places that feel comfortable and like-minded.  And if Mama-ish feels like that for you, I want to take a minute to share what I’ve learned recently, in a concrete and usable way.
Hopefully, you leave here with one new tool or perspective going into the new year.


SIBLINGS WITHOUT RIVALRY

I started reading Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish when I felt like my two older daughters were fighting more than they were playing together. I didn’t have any expectations but figured it couldn’t do any harm.
To my surprise, pieces resonated. From my village to yours, here is the condensed takeaways:

The research proves that having siblings make you tougher and more resilient. Siblings help you differentiate between being clever and hurtful, they teach you how to assert, how to defend, and how to compromise.  Even from envy, they inspire you to work harder, persist, and achieve.  However, in an extreme opposition, the worst of sibling relationships can demoralize and cause permanent damage.

That last part felt like a lot of pressure, but it’s also what we already know to be true.
If we pause to reflect on our own history, we can understand how our own sibling dynamics have impacted how we feel about ourselves today.  We can look back at our “childhood” as a fleeting and bygone period of time, but the truth is, childhood is an adult notion.  Children can’t comprehend their “childhood”– that is just their life; everything feels big, urgent, and real.
And in their formative years, it is very real.

The book went on to describe how innate it is for siblings to compete.  And it all makes sense.  Children have a deep desire for exclusive love from their parents because innately, a parent has everything a child needs to survive and thrive. 
But to what extent, and how do parents contribute to this competition? 


It is not about loving our children equally.  It is about loving them uniquely.

Instead of worrying about making everything equal and fair, be intentional about meeting each child’s legitimate needs.   Here is a possible response: “I understand that you feel disappointed.  Sometimes Susie will get things.  Sometimes you will get things. 
In the end, you both will get your needs met.”

Although well intentioned, equalizing everything for siblings can foster competition.  If we treat each child as an individual, uniquely their own, it doesn’t leave room for comparison.  This might mean buying a new lunchbox for one child (the one who actually needs it) and explaining to the other child that their lunchbox is still in good condition.  As much as it guilts us as parents to do this, we are meeting the need and demonstrating to our littles that they are their own, unique people, and not everything they get or do is held up against their sibling.



Boundaries cannot be made during a tantrum. 

Something about a tantrum triggers the best of us.  Suddenly everything feels urgent.
Find your calm, share your calm. Let things settle, and then go back to discuss appropriate behaviors and expectations.
When children are upset, they aren’t responding to logic.  They want to be understood. 



Do not let yourself or anybody else lock your children into roles.

Regarding siblings, if they are falling into a victim and bully role (my current home situation, please send more tips), offer attention to the child getting hit, rather than the child hitting, “Are you ok?  Let’s get some space.”  Encourage the child in the victim role to stand up for themselves, “Your sister is too smart to fall for that.”  Encourage the child in the bully role to handle situations differently, “You know how to be nice and ask for what you want.  I expect you to do this now.”

Let’s not negatively label our children.
Shy. Stubborn. Sneaky. Lazy.
Sometimes it’s well intended, in jest, out of frustration, or just speaking aloud to an adult friend,
but it always holds the possibility of limiting their potential.


Turn conflict resolution back to the siblings.

Try not to interfere. 
If you lean to the favor of one, then one loses and one wins. Hence, sibling rivalry.
We want to turn the children back to dealing with each other.  It’s also the best preparation we can give them for life. 

“You two sound pretty upset.  You want to wear her shirt to the party.  And it’s special to you.  It’s your blouse and your decision. 
If you want to work something out with your sister, that’s between you.”


SINCERELY,

Obviously, these strategies are not a promise. But they resonated with me,
and I felt confident and refreshed knowing they were in my toolbox.
And us Mamas need to take care of each other and share the goods.

As the oldest of three girls myself and a Mama to three girls, this discussion is definitely blooming from those experiences,
but my hope is that every blog is just one story in the village of motherhood.  It’s a perspective that I’m willing to put into our community, and I think as Mamas in a generation of maybe too much information at our fingertips,
we can take what we want and leave what is not for us.

You, mama, know best.
I love you. I see you. I am grateful you are here.
Happy New Year.

XX