Charitie Carpenter is a long-time friend of mine. She and I were in the Gamma Phi Beta sorority together in college, and now we’re both Mamas and Mamas-to-be. Charitie is an IEP Strategist, a Family Coach, and an Advocate. She has degrees in both Human Development and Family Studies and her certification in Family Life Education (CFLE). She is bringing her passion and her experience together to help empower families to empower their children.
Her new business venture, “My Family Connection,” is an agency that advocates for your child and your family. My Family Connections offers services from an IEP/504 Strategist, Family Coaching, Parent Education and Guidance, and more.
INSTAGRAM – @myfamilyconnection
WEBPAGE – www.myfamilyconnection.com
“Mom Guilt” – that pervasive feeling moms uncover when they don’t feel like they are enough or doing enough for their children.
We have all felt it…
Did my child watch too much TV?
Did I give them enough vegetables?
Did I spend enough time with them?
I wish I handled that situation differently…
The expectations of motherhood are endless, and we’ve internalized a lot of them as standards for ourselves. When we aren’t “perfect,” we default to guilt. But if we let it, the guilt can consume our every thought and ultimately spiral to shame.
In a digital society where there is access to all of these seemingly perfect and aesthetic Mamas, it is easier than ever to compare yourself. That comparison often leads to guilt and the feeling of not being enough. So often, this scrolling and comparing is mindless, and we don’t even realize we are doing it. Mamas, don’t fall into that narrative! Our children are with the mothers they are meant to have.
No one is the expert on your unique child, but you! And you have to remember that, at your core, you are the human your babe needs.
One of the things I do when I start feeling the mom guilt is figure out the why? Well why do I feel this way, and where is this stemming from? More often than not, the source is comparison or listening to other people’s opinions. But if we could sit with ourselves, turn inward, and drown out the noise, can we accept imperfection? Can we forgive ourselves for being human?
Sometimes, the mom guilt comes from our own actions and standards. Here’s a scenario: your daughter is trying to get herself dressed, but you needed to be out of the house 10 minutes ago. Your patience is wearing thin. You have gone through the “nice mommy” routine, and now you are gritting your teeth, asking if she needs help. Nope. She is adamant on doing it herself. You go over to help her, she throws herself on the floor screaming, kicking and crying because she wanted to do it herself. You have had it. You yell. You lose your cool. Now, you are both escalated. Finally, somehow, you are both in the car. You’re upset, angry, sad, and you are consumed with guilt on how you handled the situation.
That guilt we feel after we react is probably worse than any mom guilt caused by comparison. It’s internal, and it can wear you down. But you have to be able to forgive yourself and learn. We are human, and reacting is human. But what we do after is what matters. We are our children’s first and most important teachers.. And when we model that we make mistakes too, that is so powerful.
HOW TO RECONNECT AFTER CONFLICT
1. Be kind to yourself! Forgive yourself.
2. Talk to your child.
3. Apologize to your child. Explain your feelings and how that connected to your actions.
“I’m sorry that I yelled at you. Mama was having a hard time and was feeling overwhelmed.”
4. Offer an alternative for how you should have handled the situation.
“I should have taken a breath and a minute before speaking to you.”
5. Create a physical connection. Hug, hold their hand, give eye contact, but find something that feels right in promoting trust and safety.
Nothing is harder than staying calm when your child is yelling at you or throwing an epic tantrum. It is so hard to stay calm when anyone is yelling. But if you’re intentional about these steps, you might be able to spare yourself that unwarranted guilt.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR CALM
1. Recognize the opportunity! This is a teaching moment.
2. Take a deep breath.
3. Get eye-level with your child.
4. Hold their hand, if they will let you. Connection often calms our children.
5. Let them cry. Your internal monologue should be, “Stay calm. They are having feelings. Let them have their feelings.”
In this situation, we can respond, “I hear that you want to put on your own sweater, but we need to leave because we are late.”
Give them a yes, “Would you like Mama to help you put on your sweater now or when we get to our destination?” You may have to repeat yourself a few times. But remain calm, and keep giving them a choice. Ultimately, our children just want to have a say in what they do and to feel like they have some control.
“Mom Guilt” stems from the constant worry of making mistakes as we strive for this ideology of what it means to be a good mom. And this is totally reasonable. It can be a wave of anxiety when we realize we are responsible for raising tiny humans, especially when we are exposed to hundreds of other mamas in their best moments online. But, here’s the secret…it’s not going to be perfect, not even close.
It was never about being perfect.
Motherhood is everything behind the screen.
Motherhood is messy, overwhelming, and completely worth it.