Balancing Parenting Philosophies: How to Find And Own Your Parenting Groove

I am a Mama, who like most, relies a lot on my own intuitions. I trust what I know about each of my children on a very personal level. My two daughters are completely different humans with very different temperaments, personalities, and needs, so what I apply for one child isn’t necessarily what I apply to all of my children.

Alba, my oldest, is a “people pleaser.” And I’d say that I parent with firm expectations and standards, so she is often trying to appease me. She’ll ask me if I’m mad, or she’ll completely change her tune to make me happy. And this worries me! So I find myself drawing back on my expectations for her in certain situations because she’s already critical on herself. One day, her and I were having a conversation in the car, and she says, “Mom, it makes me happy when I fill other people’s buckets.” As proud as I was, I know her well, so I responded by explaining that she also needs to make sure she fills her own bucket first. I tried to explain that we can’t fill others’ buckets if ours is empty, and I encouraged her to make sure she’s happy first and foremost. Alba replied, “Yeah…but filling other buckets is what makes me happy.”
I smiled and knew she is her father’s daughter!

River is a completely different personality that I’m still trying to figure out myself, if I’m being honest. She is extremely sensitive and aware, and that manifests in different ways. Sometimes, she gets defensive and will completely go to battle with me; no bribe or consequence will matter. Other times, she withdraws, and like a turtle, crawls into her shell. And River is not a “people pleaser.” She is quite the opposite; she likes to test us. She is so smart, and she is constantly trying to see what we will allow. With River, I’m always challenging myself to respond calmly but firmly. And I find myself trying to get her to empathize and see the bigger picture.

Both of my girls will get slightly different versions of me as a Mama because they have different needs. I believe in parenting each child as they are because there is not a one size fits all instruction manual. At the end of the day, all we have is our intuition.

I am not a professional by any means, and I don’t have any formal training in parenting philosophies or child development, but I also don’t think that’s necessary to be a “good parent.” There’s so much information out there; it’s at our fingertips, and that is a double-edged sword. It’s important to educate ourselves and be open to different perspectives, but there’s a balance to find. I don’t think that we need to research all of the philosophies and overwhelm ourselves with guilt for the ones we aren’t following. Too much information can lead us Mamas to feel like we need to be everything all the time. And that’s not realistic. It’s exhausting, and it beats us down. At the end of the day, nobody knows your babes like you do. You are the best Mama for them, and we need to prioritize filling our own buckets and leading with our own hearts.

One thing I do for support or inspiration is lean into my village of parents and Mamas who have a familiar energy, vibe, and style that I connect with. And I balance what resonates with me from those parenting philosophies. I’m not all in on one. So, I’ll share some of the philosophies and movements that I love, but ultimately, I pick and choose, align and compromise with my husband, and we make it our own. My hope is that some of this resonates with your style or prompts you to dive deeper into what you want for your family.

Overall, I lean towards the natural parenting movement. We go with the flow, we encourage their independence and lots of free play, and I trust my Mama intuition first. Personally, I’m not a huge scheduler. I feel that we, as humans are intrinsically connected to the timing of the universe. For the most part, we eat when we’re hungry, we nap when we’re tired, we get hugs when we need a hug, and we listen to natural instincts. This inevitably leads to a more organic schedule. I’ve reached a point in my parenting where I try not to force routines that are going to lead to more anxiety for me than anything. Another aspect of this is that I’m a huge believer that our babes need to become part of our world. Wear them, carry them, bring the stroller, but let them be a part of what you do every day, rather than changing your life to center around the child. Let them nap in the car, at the basketball gym, or in Auntie’s arms. This immersion is beneficial for every body.

Love and Logic Philosophy
+ Natural consequences: this means relying on cause and effect.
+ It allows children to make mistakes, accept relevant consequences, and we provide empathy
+ Discipline children without losing their love and respect
+ Nurtures long-term relationships
+ Builds character and decision-making skills

I attended a few Love and Logic trainings while I was a teacher, and I found myself connecting so much of what I was learning as an educator to being a parent. While I don’t necessarily follow this approach strictly, I love that it focuses on preserving the relationship between parent and child because it makes the behavior the problem, not the child. It removes anger, promotes independence, and teaches lessons. This philosophy prepares the child for the path, rather than the path for the child. And I love this because as much as we want to coddle our babes and shelter them from every challenge, that doesn’t promote their independence or confidence. Mistakes are necessary! I don’t just allow mistakes, I encourage them because they’re lessons learned.

The most challenging part, for me, has been to think of a relevant consequence when there’s been a problem behavior or decision! It’s so hard. My mind always wants to default to taking away Youtube or dessert. My tip, and this is to remind myself too, is to delay the consequence. You don’t have to respond immediately; take a step back or a moment of thought before responding with an appropriate, relevant, and logical consequence.

An example of a natural consequence would be a child falling and scraping their knee after you warned them not to climb on something.
In another example, let’s say your child is acting silly or wild at the dinner table, and they spill their milk. A relevant consequence would be for you to ask them to clean up their own mess. (And then you go and clean it up better later because let’s be honest, they probably won’t do a very good job!)

Dr. Shefali Tsabary
+ Values communication and connection
+ Leads with compassion
+ Focuses on mindfulness and self-work in order to connect with our children
+ Conscious parenting

Dr. Shefali has written several parenting books, and she’s an international speaker, teacher, and psychologist. I follow her on Instagram because her content gives me the daily inspiration I need to be my best Mama self. Her philosophy argues that “the awakened parent is one who understands that they are bringing to their dynamic so much of their own stuff: their ego, their baggage, their unprocessed legacies of shame, blame, and unworthiness.” If we take the time to go within, we can be our best selves for our children. And this is a huge part of the inspiration behind Mama-ish…our identities transform and evolve as we become Mamas, and it’s healing to reflect inward. It’s a road of intentionally finding, meeting, and loving these versions of ourselves. But a happy Mama makes a happy child.

“Old School” Parenting
+ Encourages outside, unstructured playtime
+ Doesn’t over-schedule with sports/activities/etc.
+ Emphasizes manners and personal responsibility

“New School” Parenting
+ Focuses on connection and individual needs of child
+ Encourages understanding and managing of feelings for both parent and child
+ Emphasizes a more nurturing and attached relationship with our littles

As much as I agree and value this modern parenting philosophy of “conscious parenting,” I also worry that this new age of parenting can create a culture of parental guilt and blame. So, I walk the line with some old school, more traditional philosophies too. I strive to find the balance in ensuring my daughters know their responsibilities and ownerships in their actions. And I want to ensure they see a hierarchical relationship with adults, rather than one of equals. And this doesn’t mean that their feelings and opinions are not equally as valid because they are. I’m huge on validating their feelings and needs, but I’m also big on manners and respect. It’s a balance I’m constantly navigating.

Ok, so as you can see, I sort of help myself to what I like from the buffet of parenting knowledge that is out there. I make mistakes. I’m a work in progress. I’m human. But that brings me to another philosophy I believe in…modeling humility for our children. The other night, I got so upset at River. That girl knows how to test me, and she can be relentless. But after our blow up, I crawled into her bed, laid down next to her, and I apologized for getting so angry. I told her I loved her. She smiled, and I rubbed her head. I don’t want my girls to think I am too good for an apology or making mistakes myself. I think it’s important to model our expectations. And these are teachable moments!

If you’re trying to navigate your own thoughts after reading this blog, try answering these questions:
+ How do you want your kids to describe you, both now and when they’re adults?
+ What is one of the most important values you hope to instill in your babes?

And revisit these questions over time. We evolve.

Whether you’re the Mama that organizes and plans everything down to schedule, the one that goes with the flow and lets your babes be wild, the Mama that crafts, the Mama that balances her full-time career amidst it all, the Mama that cooks every meal and hand-makes every outfit, or the Mama that gets personal shoppers and assistants, you are somebody’s inspiration. Find what you are, what you love, what you’re good at, and own it. You don’t have to be and do it all. But you do have to be authentic. And while there is a wealth of knowledge and experience in your village, you, Mama, know best.