You don’t have to do it all, all the time.
…
It’s easy to lose this mantra in the hustle and bustle of our modern lives.
Especially with social media, there can be this expectation for parents to do and be it all. But even if we remove all of these extra societal pressures and influences, and look at our child just as they are, their needs might still feel insurmountable.
Imagine every need of a single child throughout their life. Imagine all of the developments they will go through, obstacles they will face, lessons they will be trialed with, interests and curiosities they will ponder. Parents cannot necessarily fill those every needs.
This whole “village” topic has been on my mind lately, as I’m a new stay-at-home mom who recently resigned
from my teaching job this past June. I knew I wanted to be a Language Arts teacher since I was in the 7th grade.
It was a dream that guided by life’s path, and I taught middle school Language Arts for 9 years. And while some days were really hard, some years were really hard, I did love my job. But I felt the inadequacy of trying to juggle both a career and my babes.
Although teachers have ideal schedules, the flexibility isn’t there. And my husband and I felt that pressure in the demands of raising our girls. I often felt overwhelmed and depleted both in the classroom and in my own home.
I don’t know which choice is the right one. And there may not be a definitive “right choice.” But I feel like this is right for right now.
There’s guilt attached with either choice, so I’m grateful that I get to choose to stay at home with my girls.
One definitive truth I know–I couldn’t have done either of these without my village.
Unfortunately, there’s stigmas associated with asking for help, with childcare, with the default parent, and really anything else that is a personal choice for Mamas, Dads, and their families. In reality, there is no easy option. They all come with challenges.
“It takes a village,” is an old, African proverb that essentially means we need our people, our community, to help raise our children.
It isn’t a job for one person in isolation.
A village can include family, extended family, friends, caregivers, siblings, neighbors, coaches, school personnel, community, and more.
So, how can we promote this metaphorical village?
And how do we ensure our children grow up within the safety and opportunities of a village?
Mamas, find your people.
This isn’t always easy, and it’s also fluid, so be patient and open-minded. I’ll admit, I’ve been the type of Mama looking for like-minded Mamas just like me. But at the end of the day, no two Mamas are going to agree on every aspect of raising a child. The important thing is, two Mamas will always care about the well-being of their babes, and that’s what matters. That’s the common ground.
While a physical village of friends to meet up with is ideal, it’s sooo comforting to have other Mamas just to talk with. It’s critical to our mental health to find the people we need, whether that’s Mamas who can share in the joy that you feel for little milestones,
Mamas who can pour a glass of wine and whine it up with you, or even school-friend Mamas who can help you stay in the loop.
I think in order to find those Mamas we need, we need to be them first. And that’s something I’m still learning.
Celebrate all forms of childcare.
There will be judgments no matter what path you choose in raising your children, so do what works best for you and your family.
Some will judge you for being a working Mama, some will judge you for being a stay-at-home Mama, some will judge you for having a nanny, for relying on grandparents, for having your child attend daycare, or for being, or not being, the default parent (the primary caregiver). There might be stigmas for Dads being the default parent, or even being a single parent.
The only way we can conquer these stigmas is to celebrate them all. There is no easy childcare option. They are all hard.
So, let’s bring back the village mentality! It’s ok to need help, and it’s ok to accept it.
Filter what you consume.
Society and social media will offer an entire village of supports, but it’s up to us what we choose to absorb and use.
Filter the pressures and the influences against your own intuitions. You don’t need to be the same type of Mama that you see somewhere else. It’s impossible to be it all, and it’s exhausting.
Consider…who, in this expansive village, do you allow in? Who do you follow?
What blogs, images, podcasts, videos, and friends are you consuming? Social media gives us such a platform of village supports,
but we need to personalize it with our own, Mama intuitions.
I share this with you because I also need to remind myself. I am a Mama who can get caught up in trying to be as “productive” as what I see around me. There’s always a running list in my head, and I think I channel some anxiety through getting things done.
But I want to remember that cuddling my girls is productive.
Giving them bath time, watching their home-made dance shows, and slowing down is productive.
And when someone else is caring for my girls, there’s no guilt attached to me feeling productive. It’s our village.
I loved this read so much! I never fully understood the phrase “it takes a village” until I became a mama.
In the beginning, I really struggled with responsibilities of being both the default parent and a full time working mom. The “mom guilt” sunk in very deep and I found myself feeling like I was drowning. I didn’t know how or that it was okay to ask for help. People in our village offered and I often declined because I thought that I was supposed to be able to do this all by myself. And to be honest, it was so lonely!
There were many emotional breakdowns and miscommunications between my husband and I as I didn’t know how to fully express or explain what I was feeling and going through. I am so lucky to have my older sister who opened my eyes to how much I have helped her with her 3 kids through their lives and that there is no shame in asking or accepting help. With a 17 year age gap, my sister has always acted like my second mom and it wasn’t until I had a child of my own that our relationship was able to grow as sisters. I realized how beautiful it was that I have had the opportunity to spend so much of my life (15+ years) having such a special relationship with my nephew and my nieces. It made me hope that our daughter could have that too and I was able to started being more open to accepting help.
Immediately I noticed a difference in my mental health. I became a better mama, wife and I was so much happier.
I also took time to clean my social media and only absorb content that inspires me. (So glad I came across your blog!). Instead of spending time comparing myself to other mamas I both knew and didn’t know, I embrace the decisions that we make that are best for our family. Every family is different and the decisions we make are specific to what works best for us. But one thing I notice with our village is that the commonality is that what is best for our babes is always at the top of our list.
Currently our village consists of grandparents, siblings, cousins and family. While I am still patiently hoping I can find my mama village, I am not rushing anything. Hoping our friends will join in this parenting journey with us in their own time. I know it’s coming, and we can’t wait!
Ally, I know that feeling of waiting for friends to join in too. It was much more lonely parenting our first daughter, when our friends weren’t there yet. It was a very different experience having friends go through it with me when I had our second daughter. So, I’m glad we’re in this next phase together 🙂
It’s a battle for so many of us to feel like we’re inconveniencing somebody if we ask for help. But in the big picture, they’re probably honored and happy to give you a much needed break. And in those times when the help just isn’t available, or we feel like it’s a burden, we have to carve out time in the day to fill our cups. Guilt-free time! It’s ok for our kids to be independent for a little bit; in fact, it’s probably good for them. And they need a happy, healthy, Mama who models what it means to love herself.
Always look forward to connecting with you on here.
I feel this so much!! When Matt and I first decided it would probably be best for me stay home and raise our kids I struggled a lot. I felt guilty complaining about how hard it was to adjust to my new “norm” because it’s a privilege to have the opportunity to stay home. I struggled with missing my career and financial independence. I struggled to ask or accept help from others because it made me feel like I was “failing” but 4 years later I’ve learned that I need my village. I need my mamas night outs. I need help from my parents and in laws for a date night with matt or just to pamper myself, shop or just have alone time. I learned it was okay to ask my husband for help or for a break and I wasn’t failing. I was simply just filling my cup so I could be a better mom and wife. I too, have learned that cuddling my girls is productive and the dishes and all other house chores can wait an hour or two. Love you and this blog!
Lani, it makes my heart happy that we have our Mama tribe to share these things that we go through, and there’s no judgment because we get it. There is really no easy or guilt-free answer when it comes to choosing career or kids or both. Being a SAHM is difficult but so rewarding, and we’re ultimately doing the work that we are going to cherish forever when this life has run its course. Love you!