Infertility, IVF, And How I Came Out on The Other Side

This is another Mama’s story with IVF, and she is candid and thoughtful as she shares the details of her family’s battle with this process that expanded the limits of what she thought she was capable of enduring.

It’s important to note that every doctor, protocol, and situation is a unique and personal circumstance.  I’m so grateful that she is sharing her story for our village.  This Mama’s journey will breathe here, for us, when we need to draw on her strength, support, or experience.

“After a few months, the negative tests started to sting.

After several months, each negative test seemed to further drain what felt like an already empty cup. 

My OBGYN wasn’t concerned since we were 29 and had conceived naturally before with a healthy pregnancy and delivery. She assured us that it takes women a year, on average, to conceive.  I left the doctor’s office feeling defeated and frustrated because I didn’t understand why she wasn’t worried or taking me seriously when my gut felt something was off.

It sounds silly, but I distinctly remember being afraid to get pregnant without a plan. I would count the months forward to events we had scheduled and say we can’t try this month in fear of missing something. My husband is a numbers and science guy, so when I would want to skip months, he would tell me we shouldn’t because each month there is only a 20% chance. When he put it that way, he was right, so we would try. And in those months, I would selfishly feel relief when it didn’t work, so we didn’t have to miss anything we had planned. At that time, no one I knew seemed to struggle to get pregnant.  Heck, we didn’t even struggle the first time. How naive of me.  Looking back, I regretted those months and felt foolish for choosing to skip a month or two.

We kept trying for 3 more months, and still, nothing. You try to go into each pregnancy test without expectations or prepared for the worst, but it’s innate, that human tendency to hold out the smallest of hope. And that’s what crushes us.  

Frustrated and confused, I looked up Reproductive Endocrinologists in the Orange County area. I made appointments via Zoom because we were in the middle of the pandemic. Through this process, we learned that nothing was covered through our insurance, not even the baseline appointments through Zoom. Each appointment was $150-$250 out of pocket for a measly 20 minute Zoom appointment where the doctors basically told us we were young and should just give it time. After seeing a few doctors and getting a bunch of labs drawn to see if there was something underlying or missing, we were repeatedly deemed, ‘young, ideal and fertile candidates.’

Dissatisfied, I came across Dr. Lee at fertility care in Brea on Yelp, and he seemed promising, so we decided to book a Zoom appointment with him. Unlike the other doctors, he told us we were young, and there might be something wrong that we were missing. Because he was the first doctor that took our concerns seriously, we felt seen and decided to move forward with him.

After our first in-person meeting, reality set in that we were really doing it. We were committed to doing whatever it took to grow our family.

INTRAUTERINE INSEMINATION

With all the tests coming back clear, he suggested we start with a medicated Intrauterine Insemination, which is basically artificially inseminating at the perfect time.  We did this IUI process three times. Each time, we had the ‘ideal’ amount of eggs and sperm for success, and the doctor and his nursing staff were hopeful.

But all three were unsuccessful, and we were heartbroken.

Each IUI with meds cost us about $2,500-$3,000 per round. At this point, we spent nearly $10,000 in a quick 3 months and had nothing to show for it. We were lost. We couldn’t believe this was our reality. We didn’t really tell anyone what we were going through. I think I cried myself to sleep for months. My husband understood why I would cry for the first few days after receiving the bad news, but after a few days, he would try to console me and assure me, ‘At least we have one. We should just be thankful.’ I was offended and hurt that he would even tell me we should be thankful. Of course, I was thankful for our ‘unicorn baby.’ She was and still is our entire world, but why was my body failing me and not letting me give her the one thing I had always wanted to give her?   My stomach was literally bruised from the injections, and my hormones were all over the place. I was in a dark place where I would cry anytime I saw a pregnant person. I didn’t understand why this was happening to me! I couldn’t believe we couldn’t get pregnant, and IVF was going to be a harsh reality. 

I began to second guess everything. I went so far as to blame all of the tupperware I have ever used, all the food I ate, and all the hair and make-up products I ever used.  I stopped getting my nails done, I stopped getting my lashes done and my hair done. Every single bite or drink of something I put into my mouth made me want to vomit immediately after because I thought it was the reason why I was not successfully conceiving.  It consumed me.

We decided to take a month off of trying after our third and final failed IUI. The holidays were coming up, and we wanted to focus on being fully invested and appreciate our time with our 2-year-old daughter.

A few months went by, and we got through the holidays without conceiving, to no surprise. At the start of the new year, we called Dr. Lee. We were ready to dive head first, right away into the IVF process. We met with a team to go over protocol and the cost breakdown. We were quoted for $30,000, not including meds. Talk about financial stress. In our meeting, Dr. Lee and his nurses stressed, ‘IVF is NOT a guarantee but the BEST CHANCE at conceiving.’ These meetings were always super confusing for me because they would say things like that and then turn around and ask me questions like, ‘How many kids do you want in the future?’ WHAT? We honestly just want a guaranteed one.

IVF PROCESS

Wow, okay… so IVF is tons of meds, appointments, personal stress, marital stress, medical stress, financial stress and really takes the fun out of everything. IVF is life-consuming, and I am saying this with grace. The reality is IVF is a fucking bitch- every single thing about it.

I had read that, on average, most women gain between 10-20 pounds from the medications. I was terrified about the weight gain, and I was so negative and hard on myself about it.  I was a living clock, counting down the minutes until my next shot. My husband hated giving me the shots just as much as I hated receiving them. I would cry before every shot, and each shot hurt increasingly more because I would become more and more bruised. I did these shots for 12 days before the egg retrieval. I would go to Dr. Lee’s office every other day, and then everyday, for a quick transvaginal ultrasound to check on the egg growth and draw blood to check my estrogen levels. 

EGG RETRIEVAL

The night before the egg retrieval, I did the trigger shot in the butt muscle. The trigger shot hurts like hell, and if you see the needle, you will understand why. My husband and I drove down to Newport Beach. He was not allowed in the room with me, so he dropped me off and had to wait in the car until it was time to give his sperm sample. The egg retrieval is a full-on surgery, so they put me under. I remember waking up to a nurse helping me get dressed before she wheeled me out to the car where my husband was waiting. She told me I did great, and the doctor retrieved 21 eggs! I was on bed rest for 2 days.

Prior to the egg retrieval, the Doctor and embryologist did warn us that there is about a 40-50% drop off of which embryos are “genetically normal” at each step of the process.

We were on edge everyday waiting for an update, just praying we would have embryos to transfer.  We were set and scheduled to transfer in March 2021. 

TRANSFER MEDICATIONS

A few weeks before the transfer, I started estrogen injections every other day in the upper thigh, and a few days before the transfer, I started the gnarly progesterone injections. The progesterone injections (PIO) are intramuscular and extremely painful. You get actual knots in your butt, and it is hard to walk. You do the PIO injections twice a day. This shot is oil based, which also makes it very painful and what causes the knots. Like the egg retrieval injections, I dreaded these and cried before every injection. If the retrieval works, you will continue to do these injections twice a day until you’re 12 weeks pregnant! Like the retrieval, we also did oral meds twice a day too! Prior to the transfer you have to go in every other day to check your uterine lining and get blood draws to check for the perfect timing to transfer. You have to take an antibiotic before the transfer, and my doctor also prescribed Valium to take the morning of the transfer to calm me down.

After the transfer I was on bed rest for 3 days. During the dreaded ten day wait for the beta test (blood draw to confirm pregnancy), I was googling every single symptom I was feeling to see if I was pregnant. I think on day 3 or 4 my body felt weird, and I ran a super low-grade fever. I read online it could be my body rejecting the pregnancy. I think around day 7 my husband convinced me to take a pregnancy test, which was not encouraged by our nurses because the trigger shot could give a false positive. It was positive! At this point we weren’t excited yet because we weren’t sure. My husband convinced me to take a pregnancy test for the next 3 days, and all of them were positive.

Beta day was FINALLY here, and I went in for the blood draw. My nurse told me she would call me by the end of the day to let me know my results. Time crawled that day, but we finally got the call and the news we wanted.

I was pregnant, and my beta was strong!

I would have to return in two days for another beta, hoping my numbers would double to indicate the pregnancy was successfully advancing. Two days later I went in and didn’t get the news we were hoping for. My beta hadn’t doubled. It was higher than the last time but didn’t double like it should’ve. We were so disheartened. I cried all night. My husband was hopeful and prayed.

Two days after that, we went in for our third and final beta. We got great news this time. The number doubled, which meant my pregnancy was still successful! 

I was 4 weeks pregnant. Around 6 weeks pregnant, your reproductive endocrinologist brings you in for a heartbeat scan and ultrasound to see the baby. My husband was able to come to this appointment with me. We were able to see our baby’s heartbeat.  After over 300 shots, countless transvaginal ultrasounds, multiple blood draws… I WAS FINALLY PREGNANT!  I continued to go in every other week for an ultrasound, until week 12 when I graduated to my OB’s office. 

AFTERTHOUGHTS
This experience for me was eye opening in every way. I think infertility and IVF robbed me of the pure joy women who conceive naturally feel when they’re pregnant. Before every single doctor’s appointment or ultrasound, I wouldn’t be able to sleep because I was so stressed out, always assuming the worst. Maybe I felt it even more because I had already experienced and felt that pure, innocent joy with my first pregnancy, that untainted excitement.

With my second pregnancy, the IVF pregnancy, I was faced with all of my worst fears. 1 in 8 women struggle with infertility, and I was that statistic. I never thought I would be that 1 in 8 before going through it, especially because I conceived naturally the first time. Naturally, I would google other statistics, like miscarriage and stillbirth, thinking that could be me too.  There actually is not a lot of information or support for women and men going through the process. My husband was basically my home nurse, literally measuring out all of the right dosages, cleaning and prepping my injection sites and injecting me multiple times a day. I think if anyone were to ask him, he would tell you how much he hated giving me shots, he hated seeing the bruises and watching them get bigger and bigger every night, he hated seeing me in so much physical pain, but most of all he hated seeing me spread myself so thin. We were left looking at bills with amounts larger than we’ve ever seen before just praying and hoping it would work out for us because we put everything we had into this.

Through Facebook IVF groups, I met so many warrior mamas who fought like hell for their baby and some who are still fighting to meet their babies. I learned that my journey was actually fairly easy compared to others. I realized that although my journey was enduring, it was easier because my husband and I were ‘ideal fertile’ candidates. Everyone does IVF for many different reasons: premature diminished ovarian egg syndrome, endometriosis, PCOS, low sperm count, no sperm, ectopic pregnancy, and same sex marriage are just a few to name. I learned so much from these groups, which helped me ask our doctor questions at each appointment. I also learned that all of the things I was thinking and feeling were all normal, and I was not alone.

I felt guilt complaining about how hard my pregnancy was this time (and it was) because truthfully, I was extremely lucky to even be pregnant. I fought so hard for this pregnancy. I just had to be thankful and couldn’t be anything else. I prayed so hard for this, and grateful was the only thing I could be. This pregnancy, from the start, was the hardest thing I have gone through and pushed me beyond what I thought I could handle.

At the end of it all, I am so thankful for this journey because my baby is beautiful and so much more than we could have ever imagined her to be. She taught me strength and wisdom all before she was even born. She taught me how resilient I am. And this journey led me to faith. I learned that life is beyond me, and I don’t have control over everything. My kids’ three year age gap is exactly what our family needed. Life doesn’t happen on a perfect timeline. Things happen when and how they will, and we get through it stronger than we were before. This journey strengthened our marriage in a way we could have never imagined. This experience changed our outlook on a lot of things, but for the better. We relied on each other, we were forced to talk about the unexpected, and we were challenged in so many aspects. 

If there are any mamas out there going through the infertility struggle, just know you are not alone. Infertility doesn’t define you, and it doesn’t make you less worthy. Infertility doesn’t need to control you. We need to do better as a mama community to spread awareness and knowledge. I know it’s hard not to take offense to some of the hurtful, ignorant things people say to someone going through the struggle, but in hindsight, I trust that most people don’t mean to blatantly hurt you. I think the subject is still just so taboo that no one knows what to say or how to react.  No one will really understand the emotional trauma until they’ve walked in your shoes. How could they?

5 WAYS TO SUPPORT SOMEONE GOING THROUGH INFERTILITY/IVF

• Educate yourself on terminology.
• Truly commit to learning the IVF process.
  You won’t have to ask too many questions and can familiarize yourself with what your friend or relative is going through. Watch youtube, follow influencers, follow infertility groups, etc.
• Give them grace.
  They are on so many hormone drugs; they aren’t themselves. The stress is high for them emotionally, physically and financially. 
• When in doubt, step in their shoes. Consider if the advice you’re giving is appropriate.
  “Why don’t you just adopt?” “You can’t put a price tag on a baby.” “Just relax, and it will happen.” These phrases, while well-intended, can be triggering.
• Check in on them without being too invasive.
  Infertility and IVF is so consuming, and sometimes they may not want to think about it or talk about it.  Let them open up in their own time.
  

It’s ok if you don’t always know the right thing to say or you’re afraid to undermine the process they’re trudging.  When in doubt, simple statements go a long way, ‘I’m here for you.’ If you or someone you know is struggling with infertility or IVF, try to find ways to reach out for connections that feel comfortable to you.  Open up to the right people, and don’t forget to keep sight of the little things that bring you joy and make you feel alive. 

Please leave a comment if you’d like to connect with this Mama or Mama-ish!

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If you want to familiarize yourself with the processes, medications, and reports in a bit more detail, please keep reading.

INTRAUTERINE INSEMINATION (IUI) PROCESS

+ Call the doctor at the start of my period
+ Go in for a transvaginal ultrasound
+ Call when period ends to start meds (follistim injections)
+ Do follistim injections nightly for about 10 days. Within those 10 days, I would go into the doctor’s office for transvaginal ultrasounds to check egg growth.
+ When eggs were big enough, I would do an intramuscular trigger shot injection EXACTLY 12 hours before my IUI
+ Go to IUI appointment for transvaginal ultrasound to make sure the eggs did not prematurely release
+ Husband would produce a sample and doctor would inseminate me 

MEDS PRIOR TO EGG RETRIEVAL

• morning follistim injections (helps grow the eggs) in the stomach
• Every night menopur injection
• Nightly follistim injections in the stomach 
• Took oral meds daily and tons of vitamins
• Trigger shot the night before the retrieval
  

Prior to the egg retrieval, Dr. Lee told me that their embryologist would be in contact with me from here. The eggs and sperm were then sent off for fertilization. 

• DAY 1 REPORT: How many mature eggs were fertilized with sperm and how many normal fertilized embryos we will have.
• DAY 5 REPORT: First day of biopsy.  How many embryos will be biopsied. Embryos that are not ready will continue to culture for day 6 and day 7 if needed. 
• Day 6 REPORT: Second day of biopsy. How many embryos will get biopsied for genetic testing. 
• DAY 7 REPORT: Last day of biopsy for genetic testing
• 7-10 DAYS AFTER DAY 7 REPORT: Update on genetic testing (how many embryos are “normal” and “good quality”)
  

MY NUMBERS

• Eggs retrieved: 21
• Mature eggs: 20
• Lab injected all 20 eggs
• 18 eggs fertilized 
• 15 eggs were being watched for growth
• Biopsied 8 eggs- these made it past day 7 and grew to blasts 
• Of the 8 eggs PGTA testing (genetic tested), 4 came back normal, all graded very well.