It’s Just A Phase: The Normal and Quirky Stages My Kids Have Gone Through

I remember when my daughter, Alba, was stuttering pretty severely as a three year old, several people were concerned and offered suggestions. Even when River, my second daughter, had a slower start at talking (which speedily advanced during Covid quarantine when she was two), the pediatrician gave me a couple phone numbers for speech therapy if her speech wasn’t advancing in the following couple of months. But my intuition knew, in each of these developments, my girls were on their own time. I definitely believe in therapies, treatments, etc., but I also believe that children unfold in a million different ways at different times. They’re tiny little humans coming into the world around them and into themselves, and it’s tricky. So, patience comes naturally from me, as a parent, when a development seems to be slower or even quirky.

Before I get into the various phases my girls have journeyed through and are currently experiencing, I’ll share a little about them and their personalities:

Alba is my Virgo; she is 6 years old. She strives to make others happy. She can be a perfectionist when it comes to having something go her way, and if something unfolds different than her expectations, she can get really emotional. Alba is also an old soul. She brings life and joy to every small and big moment, and she is kind, compassionate, and generous beyond her years. She is also outgoing and the life of most parties!

River is my Leo, and she is 4 years old. At the surface, River appears shy, quiet, unsure, But if you spend time with her or catch her around someone she loves, she is feisty, knows what she wants, brilliantly perceptive, and silly. River is a bit more easy-going with things in general, but when she wants something, she won’t take no for an answer. She can put up a tough exterior, but I think it’s her defense. Because at her core, she is sensitive and wants to feel protected.

Night Terrors
When River was younger, probably around 1.5-2 years old, she had these horrible, recurring night terrors. It was this sleep disturbance, and she would wake up in what appeared like a tantrum with inconsolable crying and screaming. When you’re in these phases as a parent, it’s hard to know whether it will even be a phase because it can feel so consuming. You find yourself questioning your parenting, questioning why your child is doing this, and the frustration can be overwhelming. In those moments, all you can do is ride the wave and do what feels right. We consoled her, even resorted to driving her around in her carseat to soothe her, and probably sat in exhaustion, frustration, and tears while we held her. But looking back, it’s something Garrett and I laugh about with relief that it was a wave we rode out.

Stuttering
I mentioned earlier, but Alba had a Summer where she was stuttering. I knew stuttering is a speech disorder, but I knew even more that she was young and had a lot to say, more than her own mouth could keep up. This is why I believe so much in Mama intuition. We know our children best. I knew she was full of energy and thoughts, and she’s so smart. It seemed like her speech just couldn’t keep up. So, we kept an eye on the stuttering, but we also rode that wave out. We didn’t ever make it a big deal, and we were patient with her as she tried to get the words out. It resolved itself by the end of the year as she matured and developed.

Total Defiance
Oh my stubborn River. Like I said, when she knows what she wants, no matter how irrational, she will not accept “no” for an answer. She is very driven by her wants and needs, which his normal developmentally, but I also think River is more extreme than average, and that’s just an aspect of her strong personality. As much as I love her fireball attitude, the defiance triggers me. But I will say, her defiance has really improved over time. And while we work on it, we also know the irrational parts will dissipate with time.

We do the best we can, and that usually looks like:
+ picking our battles
+ giving her choices
+ trying our best to give relevant and appropriate consequences
+ trying our best to model calm behavior
(I will say, this really works with River. When my reaction matches hers, her emotions escalate.
The challenge is reminding myself that emotions are contagious. If I’m calm, she will catch on to that calm.)

Irrational Fear of Bugs
This was a quirky stage! Alba developed this sudden phobia of bugs, but not like your average scared of spiders fear. She would ask irrational questions. For example, if she saw a beetle on the floor on the other side of the room, she would ask me, “Mom, did I eat it?” or “Mom, did it go in my nose?” I was so confused at how she thought that would even be possible. Her worry and her quirky questions were pretty severe, but they were also short-lived. We actually had the sweetest friend mail us an educational book for children on bugs. Thanks Stacy! We took the time to read the book together, learn about bugs, and I think eliminating some of that unknown of the creepy crawly helped ease her concerns. She no longer asks those questions, and she actually loves getting in the mud and catching different bugs.

Potty Words Infatuation
It’s totally normal for littles to find potty words hilarious and intriguing. Heck, a lot of adults still laugh at this stuff. But it doesn’t mean we don’t cringe when our daughter tells the nurse doing our ultrasound that her dad has a hairy butt or when my two girls are running around in public yelling, “Poopy butthole!” Recently, they’ve found “nuts” (as in testicles) to be the funniest joke. I don’t have any masterful advice regarding potty words, and it’s probably just an inevitable stage. I hope my daughters are not 15 and still wrestling each other to the ground, giggling about poop. We don’t overreact to the potty words, but we try our best not to laugh. And I stress to them that the words are not funny, they’re not gross, they’re natural, and we cannot be saying that at school or in front of other people, especially little kids and babies. I explain to them that we don’t want to teach babies that potty words are funny. Does this take away the intrigue? No. So, we ride this one out too.

Fruitarian
River’s primary food group is fruit. She wants fruit for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks. But I guess it could be worse. We just make sure to offer other food groups in her meals, and sometimes, I’ll say fruit needs to be a snack after her meal. We make it work, but it’s also something I know won’t last forever. Kids and food is an entire beast of development, and every child is different.

Melodrama
Since Alba joined kindergarten at a new school, she’s been acting pretty melodramatic. And I’ll admit, this has been a tougher phase for me, as a Mama, to remain patient and calm about. Interestingly enough, she behaves amazingly at school. Her teacher can’t say a bad thing about her. But when I pick her up, it quickly turns into drama and victimization. She throws around, “That’s not fair!” and “You NEVER let me…” It’s a challenge not to take these comments personally as a parent trying their best. So, I educate myself when and where I can. As parents and humans, it’s a natural reaction for us to react upset, impatient, frustrated, and more. But if we take time to learn about the emotions and development behind their behaviors, we come from a place of understanding and support. I love when I come across a parenting advice nugget on social media or even take time to Google it myself, because it’s usually the insight I need to approach these melodramatic situations with more maturity and knowledge.

For example, it’s extremely common for children to present their best selves in public and at school but then let out their big emotions at home where they feel safe. When children know their parents and home are a space that will always accept them, they can act out, and it’s actually a sign of healthy attachment. And with Alba being at a new school, a new grade, a new teacher, forced to make new friends…that’s a lot to handle for her age! She also has this perfectionist temperament that craves friendship, so I think she’s undergone some stress that she doesn’t even realize in trying to acclimate to this age and the changes in her life. But we seem to get the brunt of her emotions, and I have to remind myself that it’s her space to do that. Granted, I’m still a traditional parent in a lot of ways, and I only let it get to a certain point before the disrespect isn’t acceptable anymore. Then, we have to talk about coping and managing those emotions. Do I blow up sometimes in frustration? Yes. Just as my girls are navigating growing up, I’m navigating my role as a Mama, and we both just have to be understanding of the mistakes that come with that process.

Tics
This is our most current phase, and it’s one that really affects me because I’m still unsure if it’s a phase or a lifelong battle. Since starting kindergarten, Alba has starting having these tics, these repetitive movements with her face. Interestingly, they seemed to onset along with some other related complications. When her molars were growing in, she started stretching her mouth open to ease the pain. It became repetitive and often. When she got pink eye, she dropped that habit and started blinking and rolling her eyes because they itched. But these movements have stuck around even though the pink eye is gone. They seem to get more intense when she’s tired or when there’s a lot going on, so we’ve been intentionally slowing down and saying so no to activities and events that will overwhelm our time as family. We’ve been increasing snuggles, patience, and even reflecting on our expectations from Alba. She works hard to make us proud, and she can be hard on herself, so we don’t want to add to her stress and the changes she’s undergoing. I’ve even tried some solo baths with music for her! Ultimately, it’s another wave we’re riding, we’re in the tunnel, and we’re taking each right next step.

According to WedMD, “These short-lasting sudden movements (motor tics) or uttered sounds (vocal tics) occur suddenly during what is otherwise normal behavior. For instance, someone with a tic might blink their eyes multiple times or twitch their nose repeatedly. […] Tics are often classified not as involuntary movements but as unvoluntary movements. This means that people are able to suppress the actions for a time. The suppression, though, results in discomfort that grows until it is relieved by performing the tic. While people of all ages can experience tics, they are most prevalent in children. Experts say that around 20% of children experience tics. And tics are far more likely to affect boys than girls. No one knows exactly what causes tics to occur. Stress and sleep deprivation seem to play a role in both the occurrence and severity of motor tics.”

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This is easier to say looking back, but if you’re in the thick of a challenging, odd, or even embarrassing stage, follow your intuition and know that it will likely be something you laugh about in a few years. There are so many lessons for our littles to learn, boundaries for them to push, mistakes for them to make, curiosities for them to explore, and complex ideas and emotions for them to manage.
And it’s tough for everyone involved! Sometimes it pushes us to our edge, and I don’t think that is something to drown ourselves in guilt over. It’s ok to show our babies that we are human, and we make mistakes, and we learn. If we can set aside our pride, apologize to our children when we’re wrong, we are modeling that behavior. Mistakes are a platform for growth, and we need to give our children that space.

“Every day, in a 100 small ways, our children ask, ‘Do you hear me? Do you see me? Do I matter?’ Their behavior often reflects our response.”
~ L.R. Knost
“A spirited, unruly student is preferable. It’s much easier to direct passion than to try and inspire it.”
~ Joan Desmond
“A lot of what we do with children is well intentioned interference.”
~ Niki Buchan

I’d love to hear what phases your children have gone through, from newborn to adults!
Please share what worked and what didn’t work for you and your family.
Let’s share the experience and stories that will likely hold a Mama’s hand at a phase in her journey.
XOXO